| 01 February 2010
In the good old days, before the sexes winked at each other online, couples met the natural way: through friends, at a bar, at work, school, or just randomly. My parents met at a “singles bar” – which was common in the 1960s. But times, they have a-changed.
Once taboo, online dating is becoming the norm. A report published by Jupiter Research predicts annual revenue from online dating sites in the U.S. will jump from $900 million in 2007 to $1.9 billion by 2012.
“It’s becoming more of a trend,” says Erick Rivera, a 27-year-old Latino comedian based in New York. Talking to the crowds at his shows across the country, Rivera says more and more couples say they met online. “Long gone are the days of high school sweethearts or friends hooking you up,” he says.
And is that a good thing? Like many people, I have mixed feelings about trying to meet the love of your life in the same place you shop for books and read the news. In my case, a personal ad I posted resulted in two fakes: men who lied about their age and status. One turned out to be older and have kids, and the other was “separated,” not single.
“When it comes to online dating, some people lie,” notes Rivera. “It’s harder to sift through that, and there are no BS filters.”
Rivera’s not the only one to experience the gulf between the virtual and real world. “It can be deceiving because it seems they [guys] are good with conversation, but when you meet them in person, it’s a totally different story,” says Lori Diaz, a 28-year-old Chicago actress and co-author of the comedy skit “Dominizuelan.”
Following a breakup, Diaz put a profile on Nerve.com, an online magazine that focuses on love and sex. “I needed to get back out there,” she explains.
That endeavor, which lasted about a year, resulted in more horror stories than romance. There was the guy with “amateur moves” who showed up 15 minutes late, touched her hand throughout the date, then dropped some money for the check and asked her to pay the rest. There was the guy who had a bleeding lip (and was aware of it) throughout the entire date.
But despite some bad experiences, Diaz says online dating was “totally worth it.” A date with the lead singer of a rock band turned into a close friendship that Diaz maintains.
Similarly, 42-year-old real estate agent Dulce Ramos of Chicago found friendship, not love, online. Active on Match.com for two years, she simply didn’t connect with the men she dated. And although she did make friends, she went out with quite a number of duds.
There was the guy she calls “the mosquito,” the one she couldn’t stand whom she had to endure throughout an entire dinner. “Dinner was too much for a first date, and I was dying,” Ramos recalls. “Do coffee, don’t do dinner.“
While still active on Match.com, Ramos bumped into her now-husband, an old acquaintance, at a political event in Chicago. Although online dating wasn’t fruitful for Ramos she still recommends it. “Why not?” she says.
In Ramos’s case, the problem may be demographics. Match.com is the most Latino-friendly dating site out there, in Ramos’ experience, but she found there were not enough Latino men to choose from. “There is a lack of quality Latino dating services,” she says. A brief stint on eHarmony.com turned out to be worse. “There are not enough ethnic men on there,” says Ramos.
Despite her failure to find a mate online, Ramos developed a handful of male friendships from Match.com. And she attributes success online to having the right attitude. “Don’t expect Prince Charming, but maybe it will lead to a business opportunity,” she points out.
Vanessa Torres, Los Angeles-based author of ThatHappenedToMe.com, a community Web site for single women in transition, agreed: “Online dating is good for anyone who is open-minded, but not expecting miracles.”
Torres says online dating is not particularly good for people who are naïve or have trouble dealing with rejection. But the ability to reject, or be rejected from a distance, is exactly what Rivera and 28-year-old Chicagoan Esmeralda (who requested that her real name not be used) like about it.
“It’s good for guys — it saves on money and self-esteem,” observes Rivera. “You don’t have to cross a bar or club and say, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ and then do that sad walk of shame.”
Online, the rejection takes place within the comfort of your home. “Online, you can reject a guy without feeling bad,” notes Esmeralda.
Taking advantage of free sites like Craigslist.org and Plentyoffish.com, Esmeralda went online to widen her network. “It was the only way of meeting guys for me because when I go out it’s always the same people,” she says. Although Esmeralda wouldn’t date a man who wasn’t Catholic, she decided to open up to another race when she realized she wasn’t getting a good response from Latinos. “Latinos online are either too young, too old or crazy!” she quips.
After a year of dating and still not meeting “the one,” Esmeralda made an ultimatum with God. “I told God, ‘I am tired of this, please do something, or I will give up,’ ” she recalls. After writing her last personal ad on Craigslist, Esmeralda met her current boyfriend two weeks later: a Catholic Polish man her age. “It took me so long to find him, but I’m glad I took the chance,” she says.
A WASTE OF TIME?
But online dating is not for everyone. Enrique, a 22-year-old computer technician in Bolingbrook who requested that his real name not be used, initially went on to OKCupid.com following a break-up. He dated several “lovely” girls but does not recommend online dating (and especially not the free sites) because he did not find the caliber of woman online up to par. “It’s perfect if you like girls who are on the dorkier/meatier side,” he says.
And simply put, he said being on the site was a phase he grew out of. “The sick truth of the matter is, that if it wasn’t for the fact that I was going through a chubby phase, to put it gently, I wouldn’t have lasted [on the site] as long as I did,” he admits. Once Enrique gained the confidence he needed (and lost the weight), he no longer needed the site.
“Online dating is a waste of time because it’s easier to meet people in person and it’s all about chemistry,” says David Wygant, a Los Angeles-based professional dating coach. Although he admits to using dating sites after a breakup, he claims to have experienced chemistry only with two people he met online. He finds it easier to gauge a connection in person. He met his current girlfriend at a music fair in Los Angeles, and both agree they would never go online. “There are so many better ways to spend your time,” he says.
Clearly there are the downsides, such as the safety issue. According to Donna Andersen, creator of Lovefraud.com, a Web site that teaches people how to recognize and recover from sociopaths, and a survivor of marriage to a man who cleaned her out of more than $250,000 and turned out to be married to several women, it’s hard to detect sociopaths because they “appear to be normal.”
“The Internet is a goldmine for sociopaths,” says Andersen.
According to Andersen, sociopaths are people detached from feeling sympathy for others who view the world as divided between predators and prey. They are also capable of verbal and emotional abuse, and often use others for sex and money. Most sociopaths online can be identified by coming on strong in the beginning: Calling or texting frequently, professing love quickly, erratic mood swings — all of these are tell-tale signs.
And based on my experiences, it’s a good idea to watch out for the bugaboos. As Wygant suggests, men should avoid women who give out their number too quickly. And ladies, watch out for men who have just looked at your picture and not read your profile.
But is online dating a good thing or a bad thing? Perhaps it’s just like anything else in life — it depends how you use it.
Hay alguien para cado uno – there is someone for everyone – is Diaz’s mother’s mantra. “Online dating is good psychologically because it helps you believe you will meet someone,” says Diaz. Although Diaz met her current boyfriend through the comedy community, she says her online dating experiences, both good and bad, helped her get to the point of being ready for a new relationship.
In a world where so many people have their eyes glued to their computer screens rather than the opposite sex, online dating – when done with the right outlook and necessary caution – can be a form of self-help and a dating jump-starter rolled into one. “You still got to go out and work that muscle,” says Diaz.
SIDEBAR 1
AVOIDING ONLINE PREDATORS
Donna Andersen, creator of Lovefraud.com, lists the following red flags indicating predators:
• Quickly proclaims love or feelings (Everybody knows that a man or woman does not say the L word in the first couple of weeks!)
• Calling or e-mailing all the time in the beginning, or texting constantly.
• Playing on your sympathy, or talking trash about their past.
• Blames problems on other people.
• Has no long-term friendships.
SIDEBAR 2
TOP 10 TIPS FOR ONLINE DATING
1. Pick a photo(s) that is recent (within the last 6 months) that reflects the real you. Don’t try to create someone you wish you could be. Post photos that show your face, smile, eyes and body. The more honest you are about yourself, the greater chance you have of attracting an honest mate/relationship. Don’t lie about anything on your profile, which includes age, status and children. And don’t post photos of yourself with your ex or partying with your buddies! This sends the wrong messages: A) that you are not over your ex, and/or B) that you are a lush.
2. Don’t give away personal information, such as where you live, or your phone number in the first couple of e-mails. Try to get to know someone a bit beforehand. Ask them questions about things you have read on their profile. Feel them out. Even if it takes a month for the first “meeting” to occur, so much the better! That which starts fast, ends fast.
3. Go with your gut. If someone feels strange, usually he or she is.
4. The first meeting is not a date. It should occur in a public place and alcohol should not be involved. If all goes well, the first few dates should be based on mutual interest (not alcohol) and shared activities, such as a gallery showing, cooking class or bowling.
5. Go slow. Let people earn your trust.
6. Don’t invest any emotions in the first “meeting” and dates. Have low expectations, but maintain a positive attitude. If there is no attraction, this person could become a friend or business contact.
7. Cultivate your profile, as it’s a reflection of your life. When something good happens, mention that on the profile. Don’t list the things you want and don’t want. Tell a story, and people will react to the emotions you express.
8. Keep e-mail conversations light and cheerful, and don’t sell yourself. Find something interesting about the other person’s profile and write to them about it.
9. Dare to flirt with the desirables — the people you think are out of your league.
10. Communicate cultural differences: Don’t be afraid to say where your family is from and what languages you speak. Make it clear if you are seeking a Spanish-speaking partner. The more specific you are about what you want, the greater chances of attracting the right mate. Indicate religion requirements.
Sources: David Wygant, who blogs about dating, sex and relationships at DavidWygant.com/blog; Latina advice columnist Letty Livingston, author of LetLettyHelp.blogspot.com; Vanessa Torres, author of the community blog ThatHappenedtoMe.com; Scot McKay, author of the online dating advice Web site DeserveWhatYouWant.com; Dulce Ramos; Lori Diaz; and Esmeralda.
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